Merry Christmas in Heaven

Dear Mom,

I can't believe it has been an entire year since I last said good-bye to you on this earth. The time has gone SO quickly for me and I often wonder how quickly it's gone for you. Does it feel like you just arrived? Are there just so many people to talk to that it feels like you've only just begun getting to know them (we know how much you liked to talk:D)? Or have you already experienced so much joy and sang so many songs and taught so many children that it feels like you've been there a lifetime? Like I said, the time has gone quick for me, yet when I think of all that has changed in the last year, it seems like a long time--Layla has grown so much and is now 18 months old, my dad has gotten remarried, we're expecting another child. I know that if you were here you'd be so excited for all the changes that have happened in my life and in the lives of everyone else in our family. You loved knowing what was going on in others' lives not to be nosey, but because you truly had an interest in knowing how other people were doing and wished the best for everyone.

I still dream about you often. For a long time I would dream that you were visiting from Heaven--back from the dead--a little creepy, I know, but it's like you were always just checking in to make sure things were okay here and to let me know that you were okay too. My dreams have now changed for some reason. You are still often in them, but you're in them as if nothing has changed. As if you never left. The other night you were even mad at Joe about something--I'm not a shrink, so I'm really not sure what that was about:). I know you loved Joe and were so happy for us to get married and to later start a family. I hope that I continue to talk to you in my dreams since I can no longer talk to you on this earth.

Although I miss you terribly and miss having you see my children grow, I know that you are happier now than I could ever fathom. When I think back to the Mondays last fall when Layla, Elv and I would come to take care of you, I remember just how sick you were. I can remember you saying to me, "Bet you didn't think ever think you'd have to help your mom like this--or at least not at this age--did you? I'm sorry." You had absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You couldn't help it that your body was so sick. And now you have a NEW PERFECT body. Amazing. I remember how strong you were through your entire fight through cancer and I think that's why I didn't really think you'd die--you had SO many ups and downs and always ended up pulling through. But as strong as you were, your sickness was ultimately stronger. With God's help you fought for 5 1/2 years, but in the end, God let you take a break from all that fighting and LET you JOIN Him in HEAVEN! We may still have tears of sorrow and pain here on earth, but thankfully the only tears that you now have are tears of JOY!! Someday we too will join you in only having tears of joy and what a joyous day that will be! One that I often wonder about and am curious about, but one that I won't understand until that day and I'm okay with that. I am just happy that you are already experiencing that.

I can still remember so clearly planning your funeral last year. It seemed so strange to be doing that when I had thought that like most others, the only planning I'd be doing was planning Christmas parties and what to get for last minute presents. Although we never talked to you about what kind of funeral service you would have, we agreed instantly on what it would be like--joyful with lots of singing and even a praise band. It may have not been typical, but we knew that you'd want us to celebrate your life while mourning your death. It felt like you were there while the whole church rang out in "These Are the Days (of Elijah)" and that song will forever have a new meaning to me. While planning the service at the funeral home, I can still remember when we found the red cardinal to put on the front of the program and knew instantly that was perfect for you (Beaverdam's mascot). And I remember clearly when Joe found the poem to put on it that fit so perfectly too. The Bible verse we chose also fit your life on this earth perfectly and was one of your favorites, so I will end with the verse and the poem.

"I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the race,
I have kept the faith."
~II Timothy 4:7 NIV

God Saw You Were Getting Tired

God saw you were getting tired and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me".

With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you pass away,
and though we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.


Love you, Mom, and see you again some day!