My Mom

As I sit down to write about what's happened in our lives over the past recent days I don't even know how to begin. I suppose a good place to start would be to just say what happened. Monday night my mom took her last breath on earth and was taken up to be with our Heavenly Father. She has only been gone for a few days and yet I have said those words (in some form or another) to myself and to others so many times already and it is still strange to write. Even though I realized it was a possibility that she could die, I didn't really think it would happen nor did I ever imagine how hard it would be or how strange it would feel. So far we've been keeping busy planning the funeral service and such that I haven't had all that much time to really think about what life will be like now without her. I don't like to think about that. I miss her already.

With that said, I now don't know what else to even write that could really capture what I'm feeling at the moment or that could really show what an amazing mom she was to me. But I want to write it out not just to tell others what's going on but so that I can remember the details of this week and because sometimes writing things out helps me deal with them. Sorry, but this will be lengthy:-).

I guess I will just begin by explaining what has been going on with her health. Five and 1/2 years ago we found out that she had a fast growing type of breast cancer that had already spread to her liver by the time she found out. The cancer was in its final stage and the doctors had said that since it had already spread to the liver, she would never be cancer free. The doctors did not expect her to live much longer. The doctors were right--they could not remove the cancer from her liver, but God could and God did. She then lived a healthy and happy life still going in for treatments but carrying on with the rest of her life like normal. Then about 1 1/2 years ago she started not feeling well and had a hard time eating. A little over a year ago they found that she had an ulcerated stomach--meaning her entire stomach lining was ulcerated--and she was put on medication for it. She still didn't feel well, so last winter (I think--my time line could be slightly off) they decided the problem may be from her gull bladder. They then took her gull bladder out and the surgeon said it was the worst gull bladder he had ever seen. We thought that would surely help her feel better and she could get back to normal living. Well, she still didn't feel better. Then last June she was admitted into the hospital and they said she had extreme malnutrition among other things. She then was admitted into the hospital again in August (I believe) and I think one other time. In August her outlook seemed pretty bad according to the doctor and he said there wasn't much else they could do for her. Well, she pulled through and came home. One of her many problems that she had was that her body would fill with fluid (from being malnourished). She was extremely thin from not eating much yet her legs and feet were very swollen. The doctor said that it would be helpful to have someone rub her legs to push the fluid up. I remember my mom agreeing to have ladies from church and the school that she taught at come over to rub her legs. I was surprised that she was willing to have the help. If you knew my mom, you know that she was not one to ask for help--she was the helper, not the helpee. Shortly after that she started needing 24 hour care. My dad couldn't provide that alone so with the help of family, friends, church friends and school friends someone was always at their house to help get her meals ready, etc. Friday morning my aunt and her friend had taken care of her. They called my dad to tell him that she seemed very tired (even more than normal) and weak. My dad then called the doctor and then ended up taking her to emergency at Holland Hospital. They then moved her into the ICU. Saturday Holland said that there wasn't anything else they could do for her so the family made the decision to move her to Spectrum for dialysis. Her kidneys were failing. The dialysis wasn't working so we knew that was obviously not a good thing. Monday afternoon they did a CT scan and found that her intestines were perforated and leaking toxins throughout her body. That was when the family made the decision to take her off of all that she was on (dialysis, meds, respirator). They could have probably kept her alive for another day or two, but there was then a chance that she could cause her to be in pain. Once she was taken off the meds and respirator (she had been off of the dialysis machine since the CT scan) she passed away within minutes (maybe 5-10?). She passed away as the family (my dad, sister, brother-in-law, cousin, cousin-in-law, Joe and me) sang by her bedside. It was very peaceful and quick. I have never seen anybody die before and it was really hard to watch, but I am very thankful that we could be there.

I think what has made her death especially hard for me was the fact that she really wanted to keep living. Friday when my dad was in the ER with her she was slumped over and could hardly talk (she has hardly had a voice due to having thrush and possibly from other reasons too--I'm not entirely sure) but had asked my dad what the doctor said was wrong. At that point they thought it was something fixable with her kidneys so my dad told her that. She said she was glad. Those were the last words she said. She was always positive about her sickness and had faith that she would be healed again like she had been healed from cancer. In some ways it makes it hard for me that she was so determined to keep living (she was strong-willed in every aspect of her life!), yet I realize that it was good that she didn't live like she was dying. I didn't have to see her depressed about life. When most people (myself included) would have been miserable living pretty much confined to one room aside from doctor's appointments and not being able to hardly walk or sometimes even stand up, she didn't get down. Sometimes she was so tired that she coudln't be her normal enthusiastic self, but she still wanted to keep fighting to live. She didn't even want to talk about her funeral (which made planning a tougher).

The last time I talked to her in person had been the Monday before (I talked to her on the phone briefly on Tuesday). I find myself thinking now that I should have talked to her more that day or gotten another picture of her with Layla. Yet I am glad that I didn't have to leave each time I saw her acting as though it might be the last time I'd ever saw her. Although I don't have that many pictures of her with Layla I will always have memories. Even when she was so tired and sore she still always wanted to see Layla. Even if she didn't have the energy to hold her, she still wanted to just touch her to say 'hello'. I am just thankful that she could even meet Layla. When she was diagnosed with cancer 5 1/2 years ago I remember her telling me that she wanted to see my get married. Well, she was able to see me get married and even have my first child!

I find myself thinking of all the things that my mom will miss out on. I think of how she won't be able to go on any more vacations (which she loved) or see anymore grandchildren. I think of how she will miss seeing what she gave Layla for Christmas this year (since my sister picked them out) and will miss opening her own gifts. I think about how I never gave her our Christmas card or how she never got to see Layla's six month picitures. But I know that she is not missing out on anything. She is happier than she could EVER be on earth. I will miss HER in MY life. She is not missing out on anything.

I think what will be and has been hard for me is ALL the reminders of her. I received one of her Christmas gifts in the mail yesterday (Jon & Kate Plus 8 DVD--she loved that show!) and of course it reminded me of her. Our family Christmas party was supposed to be on Sunday. On Friday, I remember hoping that she'd be home by Sunday for the party. It's going to be really weird unwrapping the gifts that were for her yet I know she is having her best Christmas ever with Christ! There have already been so many times when I think of little things that I want to tell her and then remember that I can't. Even when she wasn't feeling well she always cared about what I told her. She always wanted to know how our friends' babies were or if Joe's brother was engaged yet:-). She has always been notorious for her MANY questions. She was just always interested in knowing about other people's lives. When Layla, Elv and I went to take care of her on Mondays she still always wanted to tell me about the people that came to take care of her or to show me cards that people had sent (even though I know that she would have had MANY more stories if she'd had more energy to tell them). When we were eating supper at Spectrum's cafeteria this weekend (I don't remember if it was Saturday or Sunday) we were talking about how she was always the talker in our family. We now miss her chatter. Normally we go on vacation as a family at Christmas and we said that it seemed almost like we were on vacation together enjoying dinner, talking and laughing, except that a crucial part of our family wasn't there with us--she was upstairs just laying in a hospital bed. It just didn't feel right.

I will really miss her. Even the things that bugged me about her, I will now laugh about and miss. If you know me, you know that I hate stinky lotions. Bath and Body Works gives me a headache. I swear that everytime we rode somewhere together as a family she would put hand lotion on about 5 minutes into the ride. Also if you know me, you know I get sick during long car rides (I'm a baby, I know). I always complained the second that smell hit my nose. I don't ever plan on starting to put scented lotion on, but I will smile now when I smell it (and then I'll gag).

I will miss our Sunday dinners at my parents' house. I will miss her dining "rules". We always had to eat our salads first before the main course was brought out and everything had to be in one of her matching Pfalzgraff dishes (she would never allow pans or ugly containers on the table). We couldn't remove the big centerpiece from the dining room table until after prayer even though it prevented me from seeing Mike's head. I wonder now if we'll leave the centerpiece on the table until after prayer:-).

She had such a passion for teaching. I always had thought that my kids would end up smart because everytime she'd baby-sit I knew she'd be teaching them. I guess now Joe and I will have to try to teach our kids ourselves:-). She loved telling stories about kids from her class. I always thought the stories were boring and was really glad I didn't marry a teacher. What amazed me was how my dad always listened to her stories and even asked questions. He loved her so much that he cared about all the things that were important to her. Their marriage has been a true wonderful example for Joe and my marriage.

It will be weird now on Mondays to not go and take care of her. I didn't mind doing it at all and had assumed that I'd have many more ahead. It had become part of my normal weekly schedule. Thankfully I had taken a picture only a few weeks ago of her and Layla on a Monday. Of course now I wish that I had more, but I know that pictures don't really matter--they are just pictures. Just recently she had told me she was jealous that Layla was going to go stay with Grandpa and Grandma G. while Joe and I go to Vegas in February. She said she was hoping to be good enough by then that maybe she could take Layla for even a couple of hours. I will now think of that when we go to Vegas in February.

One nice reminder of her is the gifts that she gave Layla because I know that those are the only physical gifts she will ever have given to Layla. When I was pregnant she had given us a bunch of gender neutral sleepers. I normally like Layla to wear pink, but I now think it's nice that she has sleepers from Grammy and even in future sizes has some. Our future children can also then wear them. It doesn't matter that Layla looks like a boy in them:-). It will also be nice that Layla's Christmas gifts (that she has yet to open) will be the last gifts that my mom gave her.

I will now try to learn from the example that she set in my life and pass that along to my children. She could always find joy in the small things. No matter how bad things got, she still had joy. She loved reading through her cards and loved the Bible versus in many of them. We had a hard time picking out versus for the funeral as she loved SO many of them. She may have been sick but it was still important for her to give her grandkids little presents. She saw an ad for a Hallmark music thing that you could get with any purchase and was sure to have dad go get those for Layla and Gavin because it brought her joy to give to others. Recently her hair has been very thin probably due to malnutrition and maybe the chemo she had been on recently too, but that didn't matter--she still wanted to brush her hair before going to a doctor's appointment--she was just happy to have any hair.

I will now cherish the traits I have gotten from her. She was the most organized perfectionist that I know and although I didn't get those traits, I know I got others. Em and I went to the mall yesterday in between meeting with the music coordinator and pastor at the church and the visitation. I wanted to go since my Express bucks expired yesterday and I wanted to look for something for the funeral (as did Em). I thought first that maybe it was insensitive to be thinking about fitting in a trip to the mall in between funeral events, but then I thought that she would do the same thing. She loved a good deal and she preplanned her outfits too. She really preplanned her outfits--she even put them in her closet as how she was going to wear it. The outfit we chose for her burial was on the hanger with the top, jacket and necklace all on one hanger. So she is wearing it exactly how she would have wanted it:-).

Although she left this earth too young, it does make it easier for me when I remember all the suffering she's endured the past 1 1/2 years. Even when I think back to last Christmas I remember how on our cruise she often didn't make it to meals because she didn't feel well. I remember one night at dinner where my dad and Joe ended up dining alone because my mom and I both went to our rooms sick (I was pregnant). And that was only the VERY beginning of her health issues. At that time I had thought how fun it would be next year on vacation when my mom would be healthy again. Now she is healthy again, just not in the way I had wanted. But I know that it is not up to me. This has been a good reminder that I am NOT in control and that I need to just cherish the people that are in my life now because I will never know what tomorrow may bring.

I pray now that our family can adjust to life without her and that we can always remember all the wonderful things about her. I pray that I can keep reminding myself that she is SO much better off than she was here. I pray too that sickness stays away from our family tomorrow and Saturday as we've all been taking turns battling the flu. I pray that I won't get jealous when I see other people's pictures on their blogs of them with their family at Christmas and think about how I wish I could have nice family pictures with my mom in them. I pray for my dad as he lives alone now in their house with constant reminders of my mom there--may he cherish their memories as he moves forward with his life. And I pray for all those who have lost loved ones and are missing them especially during the holidays.

I'm not writing this as a pity party for myself. I know that MANY people lose loved ones and many lose them suddenly or at a younger age than my mom. I'm happy that I've had my mom in my life for 26 years and that she left such a lasting impression on me. I'm also happy that we were able to say our good-byes even though she may not have heard them. I am just writing this as my way of dealing with this. I loved her and I miss her.